I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.