CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
#dnd #ttrpg
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better