I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.