going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
🍛
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.