One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.