Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
oh u like history? name everything that happened
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.