AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Never be a pizza!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.