I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Huge, if true.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
That 👊
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur