Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq