I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
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[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.