I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.