If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I hate everything
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.