They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
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Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: