Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My good tweets are in my other pants.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?