Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I put the hot in psychotic.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.