Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.