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Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Risking my life for fun.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink