You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
multitasking lunch
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw