[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
meow
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.