This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent