Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.