“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Only short people can save us
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president