Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?