Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.