@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Dead sexy!!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Attacked by a mop.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.