this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.