Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian