This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Bring back the McRib
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.