*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris