You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.