“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
You Might Also Like
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Any refunds available?…
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.