Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement