Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.