God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
You Might Also Like
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
motivation
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
You know…for fall…
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics