911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford