Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
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I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life