Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
oh you like architecture? name three walls