[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
twitter is a journey
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”