Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.