Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.