If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
You Might Also Like
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…