If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Got ya covered
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.