Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?