This rocks
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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.