Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.