Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!