only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.