An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Never ghost your hitman.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Peace was never an option
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
According to math, I’m broke
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.