A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Sign at work today
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs