[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I’m not lazy
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?