Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
hmmm
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Important reminders
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who鈥檚 cleaned his bathroom I wish he鈥檇 use them too.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you鈥檙e busy
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he鈥檚 never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn鈥檛 wish it on anyone
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
daughter: there鈥檚 a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe